Have you seen you seen your mother tear up? The tears that come from some deep cut. A cut so deep it scars your soul. Have you?
Well I have.
Way too many times now!
Mama does not tear up when she is excited, she dances her soul out. She'll dance till her spleen moves to the beat. It is when she cries that my entire world shatters! I almost question my existence. Her tears awaken hurts that have long been put to sleep. They bring with them low moments. Like when allergies were my thorn in the flesh. We visited all doctors, did all tests known to man, tried all diets, nothing worked. She has been a medic all her adult life but this one thing was a mystery to her and most of the doctors :). I remember when the thorn lost it's prick. It is after a double night shift, she came home to a swollen face, It looked like I had been run over by a track on one side of my face. This was slowly becoming my life! She was at the end of the road,she did not know how to help me during the allergic reaction other than the jabs she administered on a daily basis. I was getting the jabs but she was feeling the pain. This day she literally fell on her knees and cried out to God. It was her soul crying out to its maker. It was a cry from her insides. Her guts were laid bare on our dinning area and war on hell was raged, she was on her knees and the battle was won. My healing begun.
Recently she came to me with a brokenness that almost sent me down six feet! She has never let us see her beat. She ALWAYS has a way out. Always. But this time she needed a hand. Tears in her eyes she knocks on my door one Sunday morning and asks if I am awake. I wasn't, but I am a light sleeper so I ask her if everything is okay. She never wakes me in the morning because morning and I have never seen face to face. 'I am fine, she say, then pauses for a second and says
'siko sawa'! there's a quaver in her voice. I know that quaver, it is not a 'she is in physical pain' quaver, it is a 'my soul is in pain'.
I was ready to wage war on anything/anyone responsible for the pain. I feel the adrenaline building up. Clenched fists. Eyes blood shot. Shaking. Racing heart. This is rage! I jump out of the bed and I can see her face. Her tear-stained face. Immediately I catch the glance, she walks away. I want this to be a dream, but it is not. This is actually happening.
This is where life as led us to. This is our new reality! A reality that needs to be dealt with. A pain that cannot be suppressed with any cocktail of painkillers, a pain that is from the gut. A pain that only God can heal. Because the one causing this pain is one who The Bible tells me to obey. So that all is well with me. It's one who she is to submit to, it is one who is supposed to mimic God's love for us. It is one who will influence my relation with the future hubby.It's the one who ought to be our covering.
So we have to deal with the real pain, real issues, real betrayals, real tears, real fears that can only be made better by Jesus' real love. All I can do is take all these realness to the cross, lay it bare at his feet and ask for His guidance through the storm. If there is reconciliation here on earth, we praise His name, if like Paul, we get to live with the thorn in the flesh, then His grace is sufficient.
I do the best I can to ease up the pain, plan visits to her grandchildren, they remind her of how beautiful humans once were. They make her dance, I catch her beaming soul when my little tornado raises his hands when he sees her. I can feel her heart beat faster when she sees my
sugarbunny make his first step and another and another. I can see her chest swell up with pride when the little lady walks past her with a phone on her little ears, talking on the phone.
Soul aching is real! But so is God's Love
