Heart on sleeve.

One of my greatest fear, next to not fulling the purpose I was created for, is waking up to a world with no words. A world which I cannot express my thoughts / feelings / experiences / using words. This is a world I do not know how I would cope.

Would my friends and family know how much I love them if the words are taken away? Will they know that I am forever grateful for the shared experiences, and the memories shared?

I am therefore taking a plunge in the uncharted waters to be there for the ones who mean the world to me. Put away the phone when mother speaks and listen to her dreams and aspirations, let her know that I believe in her, in what she can achieve, let her know that I am super proud of all that she has achieved, the life she has curved out for her family.

Take the time out to watch what Rev does. Listen to his actions, pay close attention to the intention behind every word spoken. Be more present. Leave out the hurts but take the lessons that come from him.

Pray more for brothers and sisters. That God's grace and wisdom will find a home in their homes. That they will know peace. A peace beyond their wildest imagination. Let them know that I am proud of the people they have become / are becoming.

See my friends more. We are on different pages in our lives, but most have been closer than family, they have been able to see me for who I really am and they choose to walk this journey with me. It is truly a blessing.

I pray for courage and strength to step out of the world I have come to be familiar with, to the world of vulnerability and authenticity to be at peace with the relations that might fall through the cracks as I shake the foundations. I do not know what is around the bend, so let us find out!

Ditching my hang out joint!

Getting a great hang out joint with an ambiance that is good(for working) , you don't need to start your journey 5days before you get to it, and the food or the bill doesn't push you closer to your grave, in County 47 is such an up hill task.

Yaani....

 That's why when I stumbled on 89,I was home. The search was over (Or so I thought)

My bank account didn't need to be on life support when I go to 89,I don't loose 10kgs from the walk, the wifi is good, the food is amazing (you must try their bhajias if you haven't been there), I could stay as long as I need to(yes PAST TENSE)

On Saturday, I was in town early so breakfast at 89, get some work in then carry on with life (that was the plan).

 The usual happens.

The soldier holds the gate open for me, head nods exchange. He closes the gate. There was someone else behind me and she's asked where she is going. Silently I'm glad I don't have to deal with that.

I get to 89 and I am met with strange faces.

I don't see Miriam who knows I don't take sugar in my black coffee. I always get extra cookies with my coffee, thanks to her.

I don't see Nuru who never smiles but gets my order a little bit faster than the expected wait time. She's always swift!

Elizabeth left a few months ago and it was hard to get over that. She carried all the smiles Nuru left behind. There was never a dull moment. She was a bit too chatty but I liked her.

Steve made sure I got the corner table.

I once went for 2 weeks without visiting them and Bahati almost called to check up.

This was Home (Yes, past tense). And I walked home to new faces.

10mins after settling in a lady comes to my table.

Lady : Bado hauja decided?
Ice : (Taken back) did you bring the menu?
She goes and gets me the menu, places it on the table and stands there to wait for my order.

Without opening the menu:-

Ice : House coffee black and Chapati
Lady : Kuna kitu ingine?
Ice : Yes, space.

20 mins later, the order is brought, Ear phones in place. Greyson open. Work time!

Being on a morning Saturday, the place is almost empty. We are about 10 people. The internet is slow but I don't mind. Leo words ziko on over_flow. I am loving the silence!

3 Hours later. A different lady walks up to my table holding the menu. She places the Menu on the table. So I remove the earphones because I could see her lips moving.

Ice : Sorry, I didn't catch what you were saying..
Lady 2 : You must make an order.
Ice : I did. At 8 o'clock.
Lady 2 : Umekaa sana, so the management order is if someone stays for long they have to make another order.
Ice : (smiling calmly) How long is Long?
Lady 2 : It is going to lunch, so you need to make another order.
Ice : Go tell management to come get my order.
Lady 2 : Grabs the menu and walks to get my order.

2 minutes later. Sandra walks up to me.

Sandra : Yes, is there a problem?
Ice : I don't know, you tell me. I have just been told I need to make another order because I have stayed here for long.
Sandra : Yes those are the new rules. Because we noticed there are people who just come to use our WiFi, and they stay the whole day here without ordering for anything.
Ice : Okay. I hear you. How long have I been coming here?
Sandra : Enyewe you are our regular customer.
Ice : Do I give you business? Do I come with other people? Do I have all meals here if I stay the whole day?
Sandra : Yes..
Ice : So is there a problem today?
Sandra : Pole. Maybe we should make an exception.
Ice : (Smiles) That wasn't the right way to pass that message. You have a great facility here but your customer retention is wanting.

I make my payments and a mental note to look for a new hang out joint.

In the restroom, I meet a familiar face she is getting ready to start her shift. She looks preoccupied.

Ice : Hey. Ndio Kuingia ( Yes, I can also state the obvious)
Lady 3  : Ndio.
Ice : Leo ni watu wageni wako huko juu.
Lady 3 : Ndio, hata mimi pengine hutanipata next month.
Ice : Kwanini
Lady 3 : The working conditions zimekuwa ngumu. Wenye wanakuja wanaletwa na mdosi so wanajifanya pia hao ni wadosi. Pengine nita rudi tu nyumbani Mombasa, Jiji kumekuwa kugumu sana.

She says and continues to get ready. I could the frustration in her eyes, she was slowly coming to the end of the rope. We talked a bit longer and by the end of the conversation a smile was almost coming to surface.

She has to clock in, I needed to get back to life.

5 day employment

Last week I attempted norm. Waking up super early to be in town (County 47) by 0600hrs (latest) so that I can go to a 'job' that I don't like at all! (DATA ENTRY).(That is normal, right?)

So each morning at 0445hrs I was the chic with a backpack running to catch the bus(A bus that leaves the estate at 0455hrs - or earlier). 

 

The first day (Monday) I was rained on, and had to literally chase the bus down, because it was one of those days the driver decided to leave early. As I ran towards the bus in the rain, the one question that was in my mind is :'Ice, is this worth it?'BUT I had no time to answer that! The bus was leaving, I didn't want to know if I am meant to be in it or not, all I wanted was to be in the bus! To go where it was going because : Norm! i caught up with it soaked! The following day I carried an umbrella, got out of the house earlier. No rain! The bus left later than it normally does ; There was no wining! ( this life)

 

How many times we get so caught up in the mundane of trying to fit in. Not to be left with the bus called life, chasing down things that aren't even meant to be ours, trying so hard to get to a place that we are not supposed to be in. 

This continued for a week. 5 days! Waking up at 0400hrs hours to be early to a job that I don't like/ pays in cowrie shells because: - Entry level! I wanted a source to replenish my account that keeps slipping in and out of a coma! I didn't even have time to ask how the cowrie shells will be converted to pennies, leave alone shillings! The focus was get a job, be normal! ( fit in)

Also, the work venue was really AMAZING! They had benches in the field that I saw myself hanging out with Greyson, there were horses around (one of the employees was riding). There was a pool that called out my name even though we'd never met. There was a gym that I would use in my head. And on that particular day, It was raining. This was home. 

 

However 5 days into norm, the head refused to be part of the fantasy the heart was living in. It was woke!A resignation letter was drafted, and sent!That was my 5day employment period. Maybe I will try it some other time, but for now.... Sticking to  this

As for guys who can keep up with this dissonance, *hats off. 

 

Now for Random pics :) Because I can :)

Randomly Planned Hangs Because I can

It is a good Life

About to take a bow

Bow Taken

Side eyeing my bank Account

Faith Travel (County 47)

County 47 from a birds eye view is breathtaking. High enough to get away from the busyness but not too high to make it insignificant. Getting the middle ground is the theater Otherwise you miss the show! The machines and humans are on stage.

Humans look like they are gliding from point A to B. There is order from up here. The Matatus are neatly parked at the stage. The motorbikes zoom past the humans in so much cohesion It's like experiencing a Mozart piece! A master piece orchestra.

The silence is deafening. The sight has you closing your eyes to take it all in. To ensure that it is deeply engraved in you. To let all the senses experience this awesome wonder.

You can see the hills from up here and the horizon is a hand stretch away. The clouds make such beautiful abstract art they look like cotton candy and the birds are doing the back flips, spins, cartwheels. The whole nine yards.

 

Then...

You have to go home...

You get in the elevator and go down.


The beauty that was, Is left up there!! Like a fading memory.

You are met with some guy shoving you out of the way(he is way too busy to give way and you in his way are an obstacle that needs to be shoved out. This is his street), another trying to sell you mangoes like your life depends on it(You need these mango up in your face) while the touts are heckling you to get into their Matatu, your destination is not their concern. You want to see the beauty in the chaos but the smoke from the guy in front of you won't let you.

You flash back to 3mins ago when your heart almost gave in to the wonder of this city.


County47.. It's not you, it's me. (best-worst break up line ever. But it is what it is)

The Beauty before the chaos

Waffles and coffee from Coffee Connect

This is HOME Connect Coffee

A letter to my Litu humans

To my Litu Humans,

Now that y'all cannot read, I hope this letter gets to y'all someday.

I've always heard that kids come with so many changes it is impossible to remain unchanged after getting them. You probably do not know this but it is true! One day you will experience this. I pray that I will be here to see the love in your eyes. A love that will go to all ends to see a smile on a tiny little face.

Our little lady, when you came along, the joy in my heart was unbearable! I thought I had experienced all emotions till when I first laid eyes on you. What beauty! What grace! Your elegance when you glide (run) across the room is captivating. There is such an aura of calmness you command it scares the daylight out of me. You my little lady have so much greatness within you! Do not settle for anything less than greatness.

Sugar Bunny, you little cartoon! Everything about you is evidence of God's faithfulness. From the first month I couldn't come close to you because you needed time to get used to this world I knew there was something world shaking about you. You came to this world with your fists clenched, ready to knock out anything that stood in your way to thrive. So the fevers and had no winning chance. You have been taking life by the horns every day, looking it straight in its eyes and claiming it! Your little screams calm the storms that come. You my little sugar bunny brighten up our lives! I try to remember a life with you not in it, I can’t.

My little tornado, my goodness you will be such a force to be reckoned with. There is so much personality in you, it is beautiful. I see nothing ever coming between you and what you want to achieve! Nothing! Our little miracle. I see you have decided to take after your father, lead your elder siblings, Isolait! Show them what courage looks like, what taking charge is, what determination brings, show them how to love hard. Show them that all things are possible through Christ! Show them that you are a tornado, my little tornado!

I know 3 weddings I will definitely NOT be planning :)! Because I will be the aunt at the back of the church crying my eyes out wondering how on earth you grew up so fast! Feeling all sorts of emotions but overwhelmed with pride! Proud that you are all grown and that I saw y'all from the first day!

Now go on my litu humans, Make Aunt Proud!

...

Senje Ice!

A letter to my Litu humans: 

Real Pains.. Real Tear.. Real Love!

Have you seen you seen your mother tear up? The tears that come from some deep cut. A cut so deep it scars your soul. Have you?

Well I have.

Way too many times now!

Mama does not tear up when she is excited, she dances her soul out. She'll dance till her spleen moves to the beat. It is when she cries that my entire world shatters! I almost question my existence. Her tears awaken hurts that have long been put to sleep. They bring with them low moments. Like when allergies were my thorn in the flesh. We visited all doctors, did all tests known to man, tried all diets, nothing worked. She has been a medic all her adult life but this one thing was a mystery to her and most of the doctors :). I remember when the thorn lost it's prick. It is after a double night shift, she came home to a swollen face, It looked like I had been run over by a track on one side of my face. This was slowly becoming my life! She was at the end of the road,she did not know how to help me during the allergic reaction other than the jabs she administered on a daily basis. I was getting the jabs but she was feeling the pain. This day she literally fell on her knees and cried out to God. It was her soul crying out to its maker.  It was a cry from her insides. Her guts were laid bare on our dinning area and war on hell was raged, she was on her knees and the battle was won. My healing begun.

Recently she came to me with a brokenness that almost sent me down six feet! She has never let us see her beat. She ALWAYS has a way out. Always. But this time she needed a hand. Tears in her eyes she knocks on my door one Sunday morning and asks if I am awake. I wasn't, but I am a light sleeper so I ask her if everything is okay. She never wakes me in the morning because morning and I have never seen face to face. 'I am fine, she say, then pauses for a second and says 'siko sawa'! there's a quaver in her voice. I know that quaver, it is not a 'she is in physical pain' quaver, it is a 'my soul is in pain'.

I was ready to wage war on anything/anyone responsible for the pain. I feel the adrenaline building up. Clenched fists. Eyes blood shot. Shaking. Racing heart. This is rage! I jump out of the bed and I can see her face. Her tear-stained face. Immediately I catch the glance, she walks away. I want this to be a dream, but it is not. This is actually happening.

This is where life as led us to. This is our new reality! A reality that needs to be dealt with. A pain that cannot be suppressed with any cocktail of painkillers, a pain that is from the gut. A pain that only God can heal. Because the one causing this pain is one who The Bible tells me to obey. So that all is well with me. It's one who she is to submit to, it is one who is supposed to mimic God's love for us. It is one who will influence my relation with the future hubby.It's the one who ought to be our covering.

So we have to deal with the real pain, real issues, real betrayals, real tears, real fears that can only be made better by Jesus' real love. All I can do is take all these realness to the cross, lay it bare at his feet and ask for His guidance through the storm. If there is reconciliation here on earth, we praise His name, if like Paul, we get to live with the thorn in the flesh, then His grace is sufficient.

I do the best I can to ease up the pain, plan visits to her grandchildren, they remind her of how beautiful humans once were. They make her dance, I catch her beaming soul when my little tornado raises his hands when he sees her. I can feel her heart beat faster when she sees my sugarbunny make his first step and another and another. I can see her chest swell up with pride when the little lady walks past her with a phone on her little ears, talking on the phone.

Soul aching is real! But so is God's Love