Maybe Faith?

Maybe Faith!

One thing I constantly battle with is hearing God’s voice. Myeen!

 I STRUGGLE A LOT! 

Hence I find myself constantly second-guessing most of the ideas/thoughts/plans/relations that I deal with daily. 

Was it God’s will that I start a Company? Or was I too beat up with the lack of communication when I sent out gazillion ‘Job application emails and letters’ that I took the easiest way out? Hid behind entrepreneurship so that I do not have to get another silence/ another regret / another ‘rejection’. Is this company as a result of reckless faith or is it an escape from the seemingly lack of employment opportunities?

Was it really God’s plan / or my escape plan?

I cannot honestly answer this because: *read the second line*.

Building a company is NO walk in the park, leave alone starting a business. There are days on end that I don’t get out of bed because of the paralyzing fear of failing / not being relevant / not getting clients / not getting paid. Despite all these, I cannot ignore the overwhelming satisfaction that comes with doing what I do. I have and would offer communication strategies for free if bills didn’t need to be paid or counties visited or coffee had. There is an unexplainable joy that comes from putting together words that paint pictures and create worlds that exist only in the mind.

But still, a constant question of is it God’s will that I build my company or am I meant to be working for a company? Getting a paycheque at the end of every month? Did I give up too soon on the job searching? Was I like an email away to a dream career?

To those guys who are can hear/know beyond any doubt about God’s will/voice / in all areas of their lives - please show me your ways. Now, I know what the bible says about His sheep and knowing His voice. I know, maybe in 2020 its not just the vision that will be perfected.

This year part of the resolution was deep water faith. Taking on tasks that are very counter-intuitive, like being vulnerable, submitting to the process of being held accountable (especially in business), seeing humans through the eyes of God (eeeh this is the mother of all hard things to do). looking back, I am not sure I did well. I was too stuck on the fear of being hurt or failing.

Other than business, another struggle is the life choices I make. For instance, my non-negotiables when it comes to the dating scenes. Are they too stuck-up? Are they too old fashioned? Are they unrealistic? Now, let’s clear this:- I know there are some men who are not saved that would make for better life partners than the saved men ( I KNOW) BUT one personal non-negotiable is that someone I would consider to be in a relationship with has to have a relationship with Christ. Unfaithfulness is a deal-breaker for me. 

Now here comes the spanner in the works: - is this my own standard or is this God’s will for my course of life. Is this the reason why I hang out with single-hood? Do people still uphold such values? Or does anything go? I have heard numerous stories about Christian men whose actions would make the devil blush, is it still feasible to pray and wait on God for a spouse? The stats and endless stories in these streets make the wait feel futile.

Cheers to the wait.

 
 I don't know what 2020 holds, but I am planning to do a slow dance with all my fears as I do the things that scare me to death.