Uncovering..

With every beat the heart aches…/ An ache so deep the soul is shaken. Is this where total and absolute surrender meets stubborn and self-righteous? There has been sin that has taken room in my heart. Deceit so well hid under the make-up it almost impossible to recognize it. It is almost foundation.

I have been /still am stealing in the name of 'right'. Stealing from my earthly father, but praying that my heavenly father understands. Understands that I need to care for the entire family, they need me. I have made myself into a god, their god. I have built up their trust in me. Let them believe the lie that I am able to do all things. That I have them covered. The flesh has continually been fed and now it's obese.

I know I need to let go and let God but the God-complex also wants to be heard/fed and obeyed. So I never put up a fight. Keep the ‘Robin hood’ act, rob the rich to feed the poor. So the spirit has been robbed to feed the flesh.

So here, I thought I was going to let go and let loose. And maybe just maybe I will. But not my kind of letting loose... step into the field, put on the full armor and submit to the process, utter submitting to the spirit...

The uncovering to be covered!!

Life and her little curveballs.

Have you ever doubted everything about yourself? I don't just mean one decision that looks / feels life changing, so you aren't sure if you should wear Prada or Gucci. I mean doubting E.V.E.R.Y.T.H.I.N.G. that makes you, you. No? Well keep living and being true to yourself! I have had the pleasure of dining with self-doubt, as insecurities waited on us and feelings of unworthiness whispered sweet nothings throughout the dinner. Fear wasn’t going to be left out. so it third_wheeled throughout the date.

At the beginning of the year, I had set out to be the very best version of me I could be. Travel more(which I did I thank God), live in the moment (which basically means,do the first thing that comes to mind - random and I have hang out more times than I would care to count), I had a plan for the year! I had goals! This was the year I would finally drive my car, live in my house, have at least 2 employees in TrioG,and maybe just maybe get married. (yes vanities, I know)I had plans… But life... Life, had plans of her own. She wanted other things. Her plan was one:- yank the floor beneath my feet and let me free fall. Watch with amazement as I scream my lungs out, grin at the sight of me pulling out my hair strand after strand... She demanded to be felt. It was her way!

The close of the business my lil brother and I had been running was the first foundation to be ripped away. At first it felt like a load off. No more thinking about where rent will come from, No more expenses, No more headaches that come with running a service business. The end of a long chore. I could finally breath! Have sweet air in my lungs and not feel trapped! The only thing I have to show for is experience! Not to say that experience is bad, but if you know of any supermarket that takes experience as a form of payment in exchange for goods or a gas station that will let you fill up the empty gas cylinder with experience or watch dealers who will give you the coveted MK because you've learned how to watch your language when talking to clients, or a car dealer who will give you the Caldina because you now know how to steer away from some conversations with clients, please! Please! Point me to them. 

The business had kept me busy, too busy to notice how I had stopped living my life and I was living carelessly through family. (Which is an amazing thing, by the way... But they were all living their lives. I wasn't) my dreams /ambitions / goals / took second place. It wasn't a noble thing!!! Nope! I was checking out of my life. These were the first baby steps of me giving up on me.

Doubt then decided to check in. Here is the problem with doubt, when it checks in, it comes with all its relatives. Insecurity /emptiness / fear. I doubted everything. From salvation to existence. I wasn't sure why I do the things I do. Did I write for show? To get fame (which I don't have), do I help out to be seen as a helpful person and glory in that? Am I really good? Have I been hiding behind a God-complex? What have I been doing with my life? If I check-out from my life, would anyone notice? Would anyone care? If I gave up on TrioG it wouldn’t matter, right? I doubted EVERYTHING and for some weeks I had no reason to get out of bed. LITERALLY! I'm not sure if I was heading to depression but it sure felt like it. Nothing made sense. The political uneasiness was such a great masquerading mask. It was the answer to all the 'how is business?' question or 'how are you doing'. Thanks to the nature of my work, one learns how to put up a face. You smile away all the feelings/ go through the motions/attend the right number of meetings to hide in plain sight/ learn how to act okay and sell the act!

The walk back to life has been/is interesting. It's a step a day. Getting out of bed and making the bed despite the little voices asking where I am going. It's getting out of the house with nowhere to go and just following the road to where it will lead you. It's random conversation with friends who ask you real hard questions with love and you answer honestly. It's letting go of control. It's visiting with my litu humans and hanging out with them in the middle of the week. It's coffee dates with the squad who bully you out of the pity party. The hikes that give your heart CPR. The tea parties that lets you forget how messed up life has been. It’s family that refuses to leave you alone.  It's the gentle yet firm voice of my firm foundation whispering 'I gatchu. It's In Me, you live and move and find your being (Jesus)! It's all these things that have kept me sane. It's all these that have kept me here! 

IT IS A GOOD LIFE!!

Beautiful Pain

Random Pic From Google

Have you ever done a hike? No? Well…

Please do.

You can skip this post and come back after the experience. :)( No hard feelings)

Now with that out of the way, you’d think I have been hiking all my life, right? Wrong! I've done it twice. My entire life and I don't understand why! 

 

The first one was in Aberdares and boy was (am I) I unfit! I did nothing to prepare for the hike because, ‘si it's just walking, right?’ And I love walking, plus being an event manager you basically go hiking in every event, right? Wrong!!

The first hike opened up my mind to so many life situations it was heavy. Hence the first call to action. Just do a hike then come back here and compare notes. Now the hike drew the curtains on how you can think you've reached the very end of your strength but you take one more step and another then another. Of how slowly gaps can be made. When you all start together with relatively the same pace but at the end you arrive at the destination minutes and others hours apart though you all took the same route. 

How not everyone makes it to the destination! This hit me hard. There are guys who simply couldn’t take any more steps, and my heart went out to them because I know they would have loved to get to the peak to take in the scenery.  They must have been looking forward to the hike and getting to the destination, but they couldn’t go on. One of the ladies said by passing, ‘I’ll be praying for you’, she probably didn’t think much of it must have meant a lot to the one being told. She’d definitely need the prayers.

How you quickly forget how far you have come because of the how far you need to go. How you literally get to the end of your strength so you rely on others for support. You need to know that they too feel the pain, their legs also want to give in. Then you learn how asking for help is not seen as a sign of weakness. 

How you fall flat on your behind and you want to sit in the mud and you really don't care because walking on is more messy. Then some God sent humans come to where you are, look at you seated in the mud and they stop and give you a hand. You say 'no thank you I am good here,' but they give a gentle nudge to just stand and they will wait as you gather up some strength to make just one more step. You thank them for not leaving you behind, they smile knowingly and you forge on.

Then you will experience love. A love that is not self-seeking a love so pure you will want to hold it and take it with you for all eternity. You will see a physically beat lady with tears in her eyes look back and see that another needs help and she will walk back and give her last ounce of strength to the other. You will catch a glimpse of heaven when your friend bends to give you a needed massage because your muscles fail! You literally feel God’s presence in each painful stride you take. It is such a life changing experience!

You will quickly learn of how much strength you have in your weakness. How you need to encourage yourself in the Lord because you too need to be the helping hand to someone else. How to know your pace and listen to your body. How easily you can block out the world and be with the Lord! Alone in the crowd! How God's presence and voice is crystal clear amidst the organs failure. How to praise despite the agony. How to live in that moment. That moment you know you have come to the end of you. That moment you KNOW that each move from there is proof of His strength!

When you think you have experienced it all! That you are done with hikes, a certain thirst to experience God in that honesty builds up and it becomes a fire in your bones. You cannot wait for the next time you are physically beat, self-inflicted pain. A crucifixion of the flesh so that the spirit can flex its muscles. A thirst that keeps you coming to the well. Coming for more of Him. To know, really know His heart. Hear His voice...

So, like I said... If you have not hiked, please, please, please... DO YOURSELF a Favor and do it!!

aberdares