Have you ever doubted everything about yourself? I don't just mean one decision that looks / feels life changing, so you aren't sure if you should wear Prada or Gucci. I mean doubting E.V.E.R.Y.T.H.I.N.G. that makes you, you. No? Well keep living and being true to yourself! I have had the pleasure of dining with self-doubt, as insecurities waited on us and feelings of unworthiness whispered sweet nothings throughout the dinner. Fear wasn’t going to be left out. so it third_wheeled throughout the date.
At the beginning of the year, I had set out to be the very best version of me I could be. Travel more(which I did I thank God), live in the moment (which basically means,do the first thing that comes to mind - random and I have hang out more times than I would care to count), I had a plan for the year! I had goals! This was the year I would finally drive my car, live in my house, have at least 2 employees in TrioG,and maybe just maybe get married. (yes vanities, I know)I had plans… But life... Life, had plans of her own. She wanted other things. Her plan was one:- yank the floor beneath my feet and let me free fall. Watch with amazement as I scream my lungs out, grin at the sight of me pulling out my hair strand after strand... She demanded to be felt. It was her way!
The close of the business my lil brother and I had been running was the first foundation to be ripped away. At first it felt like a load off. No more thinking about where rent will come from, No more expenses, No more headaches that come with running a service business. The end of a long chore. I could finally breath! Have sweet air in my lungs and not feel trapped! The only thing I have to show for is experience! Not to say that experience is bad, but if you know of any supermarket that takes experience as a form of payment in exchange for goods or a gas station that will let you fill up the empty gas cylinder with experience or watch dealers who will give you the coveted MK because you've learned how to watch your language when talking to clients, or a car dealer who will give you the Caldina because you now know how to steer away from some conversations with clients, please! Please! Point me to them.
The business had kept
me busy, too busy to notice how I had stopped living my life and I was living
carelessly through family. (Which is an amazing thing, by the way... But they were all living
their lives. I wasn't) my dreams /ambitions / goals / took second place. It
wasn't a noble thing!!! Nope! I was checking out of my life. These were the
first baby steps of me giving up on me.
Doubt then decided to check in. Here is the problem with doubt, when it checks in, it comes with all its relatives. Insecurity /emptiness / fear. I doubted everything. From salvation to existence. I wasn't sure why I do the things I do. Did I write for show? To get fame (which I don't have), do I help out to be seen as a helpful person and glory in that? Am I really good? Have I been hiding behind a God-complex? What have I been doing with my life? If I check-out from my life, would anyone notice? Would anyone care? If I gave up on TrioG it wouldn’t matter, right? I doubted EVERYTHING and for some weeks I had no reason to get out of bed. LITERALLY! I'm not sure if I was heading to depression but it sure felt like it. Nothing made sense. The political uneasiness was such a great masquerading mask. It was the answer to all the 'how is business?' question or 'how are you doing'. Thanks to the nature of my work, one learns how to put up a face. You smile away all the feelings/ go through the motions/attend the right number of meetings to hide in plain sight/ learn how to act okay and sell the act!
The walk back to life has been/is interesting. It's a step a day. Getting out of bed and making the bed despite the little voices asking where I am going. It's getting out of the house with nowhere to go and just following the road to where it will lead you. It's random conversation with friends who ask you real hard questions with love and you answer honestly. It's letting go of control. It's visiting with my litu humans and hanging out with them in the middle of the week. It's coffee dates with the squad who bully you out of the pity party. The hikes that give your heart CPR. The tea parties that lets you forget how messed up life has been. It’s family that refuses to leave you alone. It's the gentle yet firm voice of my firm foundation whispering 'I gatchu. It's In Me, you live and move and find your being (Jesus)! It's all these things that have kept me sane. It's all these that have kept me here!
Doubt then decided to check in. Here is the problem with doubt, when it checks in, it comes with all its relatives. Insecurity /emptiness / fear. I doubted everything. From salvation to existence. I wasn't sure why I do the things I do. Did I write for show? To get fame (which I don't have), do I help out to be seen as a helpful person and glory in that? Am I really good? Have I been hiding behind a God-complex? What have I been doing with my life? If I check-out from my life, would anyone notice? Would anyone care? If I gave up on TrioG it wouldn’t matter, right? I doubted EVERYTHING and for some weeks I had no reason to get out of bed. LITERALLY! I'm not sure if I was heading to depression but it sure felt like it. Nothing made sense. The political uneasiness was such a great masquerading mask. It was the answer to all the 'how is business?' question or 'how are you doing'. Thanks to the nature of my work, one learns how to put up a face. You smile away all the feelings/ go through the motions/attend the right number of meetings to hide in plain sight/ learn how to act okay and sell the act!
The walk back to life has been/is interesting. It's a step a day. Getting out of bed and making the bed despite the little voices asking where I am going. It's getting out of the house with nowhere to go and just following the road to where it will lead you. It's random conversation with friends who ask you real hard questions with love and you answer honestly. It's letting go of control. It's visiting with my litu humans and hanging out with them in the middle of the week. It's coffee dates with the squad who bully you out of the pity party. The hikes that give your heart CPR. The tea parties that lets you forget how messed up life has been. It’s family that refuses to leave you alone. It's the gentle yet firm voice of my firm foundation whispering 'I gatchu. It's In Me, you live and move and find your being (Jesus)! It's all these things that have kept me sane. It's all these that have kept me here!
IT IS A GOOD LIFE!!
No comments:
Post a Comment