THE ME THAT IS NOT

'What have been upto?' - This is one of the gazillion and one questions that I get almost on a daily basis that leaves me blank! Blank not because all I have been doing is staring at the grass outside Rev's house grow or the paint on mama's car waiting for it to dry but because I have no idea how to answer you in a way that will not show you just how broken and exposed this question can leave me. “I have been up and down, events mainly – you know how crazy they can get” . I have said these words so many times that I could say them in Spanish, Greek or Hebrew.

'Show only what the world needs to see.' This has over years become my motto. No one needs to know that I get stage freight each time I have to address a crowd, or confrontations rattle the ever present butterflies in my tummy. No one really needs to know just how personal I take things. Like ask why something is not done, I will own that up, for who else was to do it if not me. Who really cares if I have the capability of doing it or not. It was not done,that is the bottom line, hence your fault Missy. Okay I own that! I am sorry for that, really I am. I could give the reason why it was not done, but I guess it's too late for that.

I am not one to correct you when you call me the errand girl, if that's what you see, fine by me. I would like to tell you that it sucks to put me in a box and put yourself on top of the box, but I will let you be for if I don't confrontations will come knocking and we both know just how much I love them.

Looking for the good in others is what my head is constantly doing. Where many see pride, or arrogance, I see walls put up to hide the brokenness. Where the world sees weak I see greatness and huge potential. I refuse to belief that anyone can be purely evil despite the evidence.

'Who are you?' tell me more about you.' Not that I need to read a book or go through some classes to answer this question, but here is the thing – I am just a girl trying to find my place in the world. I will not hit a note in the keyboard, neither will I leave you awed by my many talents, or the trophies in my possession. I am little ol' me. The only way I can answer this is by giving you a tour into my life, minus the words. For words fail me, the voices in my head have gotten so comfortable with having discussions among themselves that they see no need of having to explain a lifetime series of who they are. Now don't get me wrong, it's not that I don't want to let you know who I am, because I do, I really do but where to start after you have put me in a box is what I am having trouble with. So I will look for words and guaranteed they will fail miserably.

'I'm I okay?' yes! This is the default answer to that question. NO MATTER WHAT! Ask me if I am okay just after I have been run over by a train or I have been chewed up and smacked right across my face and you will get the same answer. Yes I am fine! I will smile at you even when you have pulled the trigger and ended my life, I will say God bless you (and mean it from the bottom of my heart) even when you question my reason of existence. With tears in my eyes flowing I will wish you the very best of life and pray that you find favor in the eyes of man and in the eyes of God.

Silence is golden, even when it's served with bitter herbs on hot iron spoon, I will gracefully take it. Silence is the one friend who has never betrayed me. As we walk together in a world full of opinionated persons who make dirt feel greater than you, I thank God that His opinion of who I am is ALL that matters. So I might look like there is nothing that I am doing in life, but hey I am doing that which I was made for – Praising Him! I will praise Him when you think I am wasting life or that there is nothing I am doing and should be out and about getting busy, I will praise Him when you can't see what I do and I will praise Him when nothing and everything is going right for my/your emotions, mood, thoughts,prejudice have nothing to do with the reason I am here today.

I live, move, breath, exist Because of HIM. 

That's all!


Yes: I confess, If life is a struggle I am a beautiful mess!!