I hate hugs!

I hate hugs half as much as I love them.

I am not talking about the impersonal space invasion gestures that are half awkward and the half forced. Nope NOT those, it is the embrace that takes you in, all of you. Pulls you in, in all your eternity and holds all the pieces of your life together. No words. No thoughts. Emptiness that overflows, silence that speaks volume and touch you will remember in this life and the next.

 

Those kinda of hugs are the ones I love to hate.

But I Don’t HATE them, I am Terrified by Them. 

I know I am not the ‘wear your heart on the sleeve’ kinda a girl so more often than not I will be listening, talking about coffee and praying for people. It is not until a few years ago that I had ‘invest in friendship’ as my new year’s resolution, that I had to become one. This means doing counter intuitive things like sharing with someone about how I truly feel. Not what I am expected to feel, but how I am feeling. The pain / insecurity / uncertainty / doubt etc the whole nine yards.

I digress.

Back to the hugs.

The first hug of this kind happened in campus. During my last semester. I was getting ready to go into the world! BUT Boy I WASN'T Ready!

The previous semester, I had to learn how to unlearn how to be in love. I had had my heart handed back and it was the longest 3 months of my life. I had to be conscience about which classes I took, to avoid his route, I had to intentionally avoid places that I would bump into him. Had to stay away from some common friends who would ask about him. Heartache decided to be my companion and since it was a new babe, I had to carry it with me each day of that Semester

It was the first ‘it is not you, it is me’ breakup line.

Those words still give me a subtle panic attacks. 

My grades were mostly affected, my relationship with God somehow begun to grow deeper roots. I don’t know if it was because of the late nights drowning tears, literally holding my fingers interlocked and tucked away to keep them from dialing his number or the early morning prayers for Him(God) to take the pain away or at least keep him( ex) away from my path that drew me closer to God, BUT I was drawing closer to HIM.

Now the beginning of the last chapter was here and heartache and I had grown accustomed to each other. On one particular day, I was going to get her (heartbreak) something to chew on. I met a Chari Kingsbury (she probably does not remember this encounter- It must have been a very usual to her. It was far from usual for me) as she was going towards the PAC (this is place in Athi, a Daystar alumnus would understand). She gave me one of these hugs I am talking about. An embrace. The one that I did not know I was deathly afraid of but one that I so desperately needed. Back then I did not know of oxytocins, or what a hug can do, but on that day a healing begun. 

This is the reason, I steer clear of those space invading  impersonal body contact and opt for the soul invading fear crushing, oxytocin releasing embraces and in return, I get one.