THE ME THAT IS NOT

'What have been upto?' - This is one of the gazillion and one questions that I get almost on a daily basis that leaves me blank! Blank not because all I have been doing is staring at the grass outside Rev's house grow or the paint on mama's car waiting for it to dry but because I have no idea how to answer you in a way that will not show you just how broken and exposed this question can leave me. “I have been up and down, events mainly – you know how crazy they can get” . I have said these words so many times that I could say them in Spanish, Greek or Hebrew.

'Show only what the world needs to see.' This has over years become my motto. No one needs to know that I get stage freight each time I have to address a crowd, or confrontations rattle the ever present butterflies in my tummy. No one really needs to know just how personal I take things. Like ask why something is not done, I will own that up, for who else was to do it if not me. Who really cares if I have the capability of doing it or not. It was not done,that is the bottom line, hence your fault Missy. Okay I own that! I am sorry for that, really I am. I could give the reason why it was not done, but I guess it's too late for that.

I am not one to correct you when you call me the errand girl, if that's what you see, fine by me. I would like to tell you that it sucks to put me in a box and put yourself on top of the box, but I will let you be for if I don't confrontations will come knocking and we both know just how much I love them.

Looking for the good in others is what my head is constantly doing. Where many see pride, or arrogance, I see walls put up to hide the brokenness. Where the world sees weak I see greatness and huge potential. I refuse to belief that anyone can be purely evil despite the evidence.

'Who are you?' tell me more about you.' Not that I need to read a book or go through some classes to answer this question, but here is the thing – I am just a girl trying to find my place in the world. I will not hit a note in the keyboard, neither will I leave you awed by my many talents, or the trophies in my possession. I am little ol' me. The only way I can answer this is by giving you a tour into my life, minus the words. For words fail me, the voices in my head have gotten so comfortable with having discussions among themselves that they see no need of having to explain a lifetime series of who they are. Now don't get me wrong, it's not that I don't want to let you know who I am, because I do, I really do but where to start after you have put me in a box is what I am having trouble with. So I will look for words and guaranteed they will fail miserably.

'I'm I okay?' yes! This is the default answer to that question. NO MATTER WHAT! Ask me if I am okay just after I have been run over by a train or I have been chewed up and smacked right across my face and you will get the same answer. Yes I am fine! I will smile at you even when you have pulled the trigger and ended my life, I will say God bless you (and mean it from the bottom of my heart) even when you question my reason of existence. With tears in my eyes flowing I will wish you the very best of life and pray that you find favor in the eyes of man and in the eyes of God.

Silence is golden, even when it's served with bitter herbs on hot iron spoon, I will gracefully take it. Silence is the one friend who has never betrayed me. As we walk together in a world full of opinionated persons who make dirt feel greater than you, I thank God that His opinion of who I am is ALL that matters. So I might look like there is nothing that I am doing in life, but hey I am doing that which I was made for – Praising Him! I will praise Him when you think I am wasting life or that there is nothing I am doing and should be out and about getting busy, I will praise Him when you can't see what I do and I will praise Him when nothing and everything is going right for my/your emotions, mood, thoughts,prejudice have nothing to do with the reason I am here today.

I live, move, breath, exist Because of HIM. 

That's all!


Yes: I confess, If life is a struggle I am a beautiful mess!!

26, UNMARRIED, AND CHILDLESS

posted by Amanda Bast on Monday, September 9, 2013

“What’s Next?”

Both of my brothers recently had kids that more than likely complete their families. They’re both older than me, so it makes sense they’re at a different stage. They met and married their wives, they bought dogs and they had kids, all in a nice little sequence. I love watching them build their lives together. It’s a really good thing. When my last brother got married, I was in my early twenties. No one uttered anything about me getting married then.

But now? I’m 26 years old, unmarried, and childless. The comments are starting.

“What’s next?”

“When are you getting married?”

“Babies look good on you!”

“Better get started!”

I shouldn’t be overly concerned with what they’re saying. They’re only teasing or encouraging me with the next step in my life. It’s harmless! No one means anything by it, it’s just time for me to be heading in the same direction as my peers. It makes sense. I get it.

But it doesn’t feel very nice.

Believe me, I am fully aware that I am unmarried and childless. Heck, I don’t even have a real job at this point in time. I’m aware that I’m getting older. I’m aware that I’m not following the same patterns as my parents or my brothers or many of my peers. I’m aware that my biological clock is ticking. OH MY GOSH I AM SO AWARE.

So when you — friends, family, acquaintances, Twitter followers and blog readers — remind me that I’m far behind where one would expect to be at my age, it makes me feel broken. I feel like I’ve done something wrong. I feel like I’m letting you down or making some horrible mistake.

I am 26 years old.
I don’t have a husband. I don’t have children. I don’t have a career.

Instead of relishing in the freedom, blessings and limitless possibilities that this stage of life offers me, I am left frozen, feeling like I’m not enough. Like what I’ve done doesn’t really matter or that I’ve accomplished nothing. I’m an outcast. I’m defective. I’m panicked. When you comment on my life stage as if there was something I could do to change it, it makes me feel inadequate. Most days I truly do love where I’m at right now, but when people question my marital status, I think I’m messing up my chances to do anything worthwhile with my life.

What if my ultimate goal has nothing to do with marriage or kids or a career? What if my aim was to love people well, and to fully embrace the gifts I’ve been given? Would that be enough? What if my life goal was to simply run the race, to be called a good and faithful servant at the end of it all? Maybe that would mean marriage and children and a thriving career, but maybe it wouldn’t. Is it ok if it doesn’t?

When you ask when I’m getting married, I don’t have an answer for you. When you hint at me having kids, it makes me jealous of new parents. When you prod about my lack of a stable career, I get frustrated. When you ask these questions, it doesn’t help me grow. It doesn’t help me feel content with where I am. It does more damage than you realize. Maybe you’re just trying to make conversation or small talk, or maybe you’re genuinely interested in my life. For that, I’m very appreciative.

I would like to suggest one thing, though: instead of asking me what’s next, ask me what’s now. Ask me what God is teaching me, ask me what I’m struggling with, or what brings me joy. I am learning, I am growing, and I am happy. I would love to tell you all about it.

I am 26 years old. I don’t have a husband. I don’t have children. I don’t have a career. I don’t have what people expect I should have, but I am abundantly blessed with absurd, exhilarating, and fantastic things I would have never dreamed up on my own.

So please, my dear friends, don’t ask me what’s next. Ask me what’s now.


http://convergemagazine.com/26-unmarried-and-childless-8736/