Have you ever doubted everything about yourself? I don't just mean one decision
that looks / feels life changing, so you aren't sure if you should wear Prada or Gucci. I mean doubting E.V.E.R.Y.T.H.I.N.G. that makes you,
you. No? Well keep living and being true to yourself! I have had the
pleasure of dining with self-doubt, as insecurities waited on us and feelings of unworthiness
whispered sweet nothings throughout the dinner. Fear wasn’t going to be left out. so it third_wheeled throughout
the date.
At the beginning of the year, I had set out to be the very best version of me I could be.
Travel more(which I did I thank God), live in the moment (which basically
means,do the first thing that comes to mind - random and I have hang out more
times than I would care to count), I had a plan for the year! I had goals! This was the year
I would finally drive my car, live in my house, have at least 2 employees in TrioG,and maybe just maybe get
married. (yes vanities, I know)I had plans… But life... Life, had plans of her own. She wanted
other things. Her plan was one:- yank the floor beneath my feet and let me free fall. Watch with amazement as I scream my lungs out, grin at the sight of me pulling out my hair strand after strand... She demanded to be felt. It was her way!
The close of the business my lil
brother and I had been running was the first foundation to be ripped away. At
first it felt like a load off. No more thinking about where rent will
come from, No more expenses, No more headaches that come with running a service
business. The end of a long chore. I could finally breath! Have sweet air in my lungs and not feel trapped! The only thing I have to show for is experience! Not to say that
experience is bad, but if you know of any supermarket that takes experience as
a form of payment in exchange for goods or a gas station that will let you fill up the empty gas cylinder
with experience or watch dealers who will give you the coveted MK because
you've learned how to watch your language when talking to clients, or a car
dealer who will give you the Caldina because
you now know how to steer away from some conversations with clients, please!
Please! Point me to them.
The business had kept
me busy, too busy to notice how I had stopped living my life and I was living
carelessly through family. (Which is an amazing thing, by the way... But they were all living
their lives. I wasn't) my dreams /ambitions / goals / took second place. It
wasn't a noble thing!!! Nope! I was checking out of my life. These were the
first baby steps of me giving up on me.
Doubt then decided to check in. Here is the problem with doubt, when it checks
in, it comes with all its relatives. Insecurity /emptiness / fear. I doubted
everything. From salvation to existence. I wasn't sure why I do the things I
do. Did I write for show? To get fame (which I don't have), do I help out to be
seen as a helpful person and glory in that? Am I really good? Have I been
hiding behind a God-complex? What have I been doing with my life? If I
check-out from my life, would anyone notice? Would anyone care? If I gave up on
TrioG it wouldn’t matter, right? I doubted EVERYTHING and for some weeks I had
no reason to get out of bed. LITERALLY! I'm not sure if I was heading to
depression but it sure felt like it. Nothing made sense. The political
uneasiness was such a great masquerading mask. It was the answer to all the
'how is business?' question or 'how are you doing'. Thanks to the nature of my
work, one learns how to put up a face. You smile away all the feelings/ go
through the motions/attend the right number of meetings to hide in plain sight/
learn how to act okay and sell the act!
The walk back to life has been/is interesting. It's a step a day. Getting out
of bed and making the bed despite the little voices asking where I am going.
It's getting out of the house with nowhere to go and just following the road to
where it will lead you. It's random conversation with friends who ask you real
hard questions with love and you answer honestly. It's letting go of control. It's visiting
with my litu humans and hanging out
with them in the middle of the week. It's coffee dates with the squad who bully
you out of the pity party. The hikes that give your heart CPR. The
tea parties that lets you forget how messed up life has been. It’s family that
refuses to leave you alone. It's the
gentle yet firm voice of my firm foundation whispering 'I gatchu. It's In Me, you live and move and find your being (Jesus)!
It's all these things that have kept me sane. It's all these that have kept me
here!
IT IS A GOOD LIFE!!
