Forbidden Love Lament

In a effort to get back on this word bandwagon, Let's start off on a light note...

 I Miss You - Is what my soul thinks it wants to say, somehow in a convoluted dimension, It's deceived itself into believing that it is ok to miss you. But just like the water misses electricity, I miss you!

My mind wants to bounce off it's thoughts with you, get your perspective, but that is letting you into a glimpse of my soul. Gasoline and matchbox. Flames!

There is a reset button in my body that I did not know of its existence till you turned up with its pass key. Now I do not know how to turn it off! With every passive hug, the earth beneath me wants to give in.

So I will tell the wind how much I miss you, how much every inch of my body longs for you, how my mind cannot stop drifting into you. I will tell the wind that in another life another universe, I'd tell you. But not in this. Not in this world!

As the wind belongs to another, so do you. So I hope this never gets to you. I hope this stays only in mind, body and soul. I hope you never get wind of this. 

So otherwise? 

Flawed beauty

Behind the perfect 'Insta pics' / lies perfect hurts.

We prevaricate from the insecurities / pains / struggles / and paint perfect white picket-fence lives. The painting is a mirage - Do Not be Fooled!! What we innately need is a perfect love! One that sees us without the Mac and and the filters. One that does not need perfectly put together words. One that loves our essence.

It's okay to show the flaws! It's okay to be honest! It's okay not to be 'Living it up'! It's okay to show who you are!

I pray we(I) stop buying the lie.

#NoMoreComfortZones
#IntentionalLife
#lifeIsBeautiful
#NoMoreComfortzones

No Prayer

I haven't got a prayer in me!

You know one of those neatly put together words that can move mountains or that ought to be put in a prayer book and recited over generations.  I don't!

There is an easy way out : Silence : But even in silence words are heard.

The blank stares are interpreted as arrogance
The absence will be a present
The running is geeting me nowhere
The rat race in the rut is on!
The raging war between what is, what can be, what ought to be, will not let me be.

#DiscomfortZone
#NoMoreComfortzones

Intentional Living

Job 2:13 (Then they sat on the ground with him for seven days and seven nights. No one said a word to him, because they saw how great his suffering was.) Now let that sit! Let that cook a little bit.

As in 7 days 7 nights just hanging out with a friend who is going through hell! Saying nothing! Just sitting. Not letting words get in the way of communing.

 Now I have to be that kind of friend, so help me God!

The parameters of our friendships sometimes only go to where we are comfortable. It's just hanging out, going to places, liking posts, double tapping on the photos: theoretic friendships/facebook besties/IG stalkers. They are so made up the foundation gives in at the very first sight of discomfort!

Since we are stepping out of these parameters into the discomfort it's going to get real. Vulnerability has been invited, there's a reserved seat for friction, realness is the name of the party! And even when it does not suit me,I will submit to this process.

If I want to SUCCEED in life( in what God has called me to do/be) I need my friends who are family! To INTENTIONALLY do life with them. Not just in these streets but beyond the hellos,the 'it's been a minute', the 'we should hang out soon',

 I will be that friend!

#IntentionalLife
#NoMoreComfortzones
#DiscomfortZone

The Monkey, stones, bananas, apples nephew or niece story in the pool of water!

Before you officially block this blog as spam, humor me for a few minutes. I know the headline might look all psychotic but like I keep telling you (I know YOU don’t exist, but I have to sound like people read this blog so just work with me dear voices in my head) sanity is overrated. So today I attended an engagement party that made me realize that monkeys, stones, bananas, apples, nephew or nieces are all connected. This discovery should probably fall right next to my home boy’s (Albert Einstein) law of relativity. Since I am such a romantic (cough) allow me to vividly describe to you (there I go again  ) how it was. We are all in the house right (the engager and engagee’s house- ooh yes there are such words, en if u don’t like them well get your own words! judging people because of their creativity in word construction is against the constitution! I know my right…*deep breath*I should probably stop digressing). Each one of us has a lit candle, we (around 20 ladies and gentlemen) are all sited waiting for the engagee to come home to the engager who is on his knees with a ring on one hand, a paper where he has written his poem/proposal speech/prayer/spoken word/ and a pool of water inside the circle of love heart lighting candles. I wonder where the pool of water was coming from..mmmh. Now come closer and pay attention to what I am about to reveal to you. Evidence of the Monkeys- it is common knowledge that monkeys chatter a lot when they are excited; this was the case inside the house. There were chatters here there and everywhere. Love songs were being composed, written, rehearsed, and sung all in one sitting. This is to show without any reasonable doubt that there were monkeys in the building.

The stone by now if you are bright, which I know you might or might not be, already know was the one that was being held right above the pool of water (still don’t know where the pool of water came from or why the engager was kneeling in it). This was a moment of truth. All the monkeys in the building were relocated and there was deafening silence. The engagee had walked into the house and the engager froze in his knees (I looked at the pool of water and it had increased in volume- I still don’t get where the water is coming from and why I am the only one disturbed by it.). As the engagee goes on with his poem/proposal speech/prayer/spoken word/, I notice more pools of water all around me. Now this is really strange! How comes everyone is getting pools of water while I don’t have any. I wanted to lean over to the hunk who was sitted on my left but he was too busy capturing the moment so I try to focus on the main gig and forget about the pools that everyone else apart from the me and the hunk had gotten.

On the wall were these words ‘MARRY ME’ they were embedded with banana peels and slices of apples. Now I know why the monkeys were chattering, they probably were looking for where the bananas had been thrown. Very innovative I must say, while one would only thing of bananas and apples as just fruits others see the potential they have to spark up a romantic mood. The engagee stood no chance with the engager kneeling in the pool of water, having his heart felt feelings expressed in a poem/proposal speech/prayer/spoken word/, balloons everywhere and pools of water everywhere.

The Nephew/ niece is still a grey area hence I choose the fifth on this subject. From this we learn the following
1. Engagement parties are happy, and I like happiness and warm fuzzy feelings
2. People are not bothered about pools of water that appear from nowhere (I know this will haunt for life. Thank God for my over paid shrink who sits down with me every Monday to ask me what I have been up to and how certain situations make me feel.)
3. Monkey, stones, bananas, apples nephew or niece are related.

Hushed

I am not bullet proof, don’t let me fool you/
Sometimes it’s the sticks and stones that hurt the most/
I smile but I know I can’t take one more blow/
These ords are like sparks on dry summer leaves
It doesn’t take much for my soul to turn into a forest fire
How long will I be haunted by the dreams?
What if I let the dreams die and let out my wounded soul?
My heart is in constant chaos
Take this wall I have built and tear it down
Coz the walls are all glass on the outside
All these circles in my life are spinning out of control
It’s going to take more than my strength to be STILL

It’s the simplest things that keep me going
A simple cup of water, a simple hug, or a sincere smile from a stranger
The silence when words don’t come,
An answered prayed prayer
Or a awesome You!

sweet Mayhem

‘Heav'n has no Rage, like Love to Hatred turn'd, Nor Hell a Fury, like a Woman scorn'd.’ that is what William Congreve thought well he hadn’t met this disillusioned woman! Yes he would rush and scrap off the scorn and put in something more profound. It sure is a crazy world we now call home, what I wouldn’t give to trade places with the angels. Watching news now should have the parental advisory slogan. Everyone can relate to some sort of calamity, from drought, tribal clashes, dysfunctional family, broken heart, stress (I could go on forever, but I trust that you get the drift). So I sit in myself evoked sanctuary thinking of how I can bring a smile to someone’s face that is all I can do, since I am yet to perfect my magic powers. This is probably the last thing that would, but a girl can dream can’t she? There is a high possibility that you will not have gained a thing from this reading (there I go again with the presumptions that any one will ever read what I put here. Secretly I hope no one does though I will share the link on my Facebook and twitter accounts. ) so consider this your heads up. 

 We can read all the positive living books but still end up with suicidal thoughts in our heads, this doesn’t mean that there is anything wrong with us nor the writers, (not so sure on the writers for I am yet to meet one, I just had to say that for it sounded smart, at least it did in my head). I wish I had answers to many of these questions it would save me some few hours’ of having to visit the ‘nutsy house’. Oh well that is neither here nor there. I hope by now you are as lost as I am in this *pausing for a moment* it’s evident that I too don’t know what to call this piece of writing. If ‘this’ is that’ writers block’ that many have written books on then they have failed to capture the mood and feelings as they are. I wonder what my home boy Albert Einstein would do if he were in my shoes. *thoughtful mili second* guess I’ll ask him when we meet.  

I would love nothing more than to sign off and leave you pissed off and vowing to block this blog as spam (I wonder if that is possible)but some inner voice isn’t going to let me, so how about some food for thought? You have come this far, so don’t navigate to any other page just yet. There are many things going wrong, it like the wild wild west up in here, but (yes wipe off that shock off your face there is a BUT) there is one thing (person in my case) that you can be thankful for. It might be that job that you have always dreamed of having and you FINALLY have it, the dream girl/boy has changed location from the dream-land to your arms, a highly coveted MA, heck it could even be the realization of your purpose on earth. Take as second and breath in the awesomeness of the beauty of having that one thing. Being the sane individual that I am, I cannot thank my angel enough. She has single handedly molded me (the hardest clay ever) into who I am today. I say single handedly not because she is alone but because she is the key person who has been my pillar, my refuge, model, and other words that are yet to be discovered. She works two jobs to see us through university and still have time to walks us through the constant condemnation that come from life (mostly from the one person who sees us as a bother despite our very close DNA similarity).  It’s like having to live with a super woman, who is a mother (the greatest ever), a wife (the best), and a hero. 

There is hope after all! So I have finally discovered how to make someone else smile, it will begin with me! I will smile from my heart so that my eyes can attest to the joy that I feel. I will ask the lord to make me be a joy so that I share myself with others. I will love with my action, not just my words and I will be who I have been taught to be- A SEVANT LEADER. I know I will have my dark moments when I will not have the strength to do all these things; hence I will turn my face to the One who lives in me to give me His strength. Everything might not be going the way I planned them to go but the faith that there is a greater power that is constantly working out my life is enough for me to sit down with a bunch of man-eaters and still smile from my heart. It might seem stupid or downright absurd, but He who overcame death, can speak to the storm, He gave His life for me to have mine, what do I have to loose??

So I leave you with these words from the deepest part of my heart:

Allow yourself to be the beacon through the darkest night for a lonely soul;
Don’t be afraid to be wings that guide a broken heart to a safe haven;
Take in a stranger and shelter him/her through the raging storm;
LOVE TILL FOREVER COMES

Dear Modern_Kenyan_man

I highly doubt i should start my blog with such a complex topic (yea i just said topic to sound all journalistic which i aignt,  but most of my family members would argue otherwise. That however is a blog for another day) ooh back to the point where i was saying that this is probably not a good place to start, the truth is i gave normalcy and society's expectation a shot and i have failed bigly (don't reach out for your dictionary yet- Bigly is yet to be put there but it will in due time.) Anyhuu i think being normal is overrated so i take pride in being called a psycho- not many's choice of title but like i said i didnt do too well in the normal world:)and what do they know right?


Maybe i should go back to the topic of discussion (wuhuu Ms. Kizito would be so proud of me for using those words -Topic of Discussion-) ok so here is the thing, leo i walked into to town to try out my newly acquired second pair of eyes and dazzle people with them but wat i saw made me want to go back home and sleep through this year. What happened to the boys in Nairobi? Was there an alien coo that got rid of all the boys and replaced them with a breed between boy and girl? Every where i turn my four eyes i see some dude in skinny jeans, a tight shirt and some pair of weird looking shoes (space shoes as they are called. they should be worn in people's dreams or SPACE). kama hii ndio inaitwa fashion..wake me up when its over Ala!!! This is outrageous! As if that is not enough we now have Man_bags i doubt there is anything manly about them but well-- they are there!!. I am not trying to hate on any one's fashion statement for that would be wrong en a tard bit unethical you know. But SERIOUSLY man_bags? skinny jeans? fitting tops? lip gloss...aaaiigh

So i walk in my least favorite joint that i haven't visited in a long time, not because i didn't like their well cooked diverse meal which is ALWAYS accompanied with some sort of meat (i should let you know that i am a devout vegetarian)but because their waiters are a little bit slower than any tortoise known to mankind. I head to the counter to get my 'take away' juice only to 'accidentally over hear' (some people would call it eavesdropping but thank God i'm not one of those people ) a conversation that i wish didn't hear. So there is this couple(by their body language it is evident even to a blind man that the two are more than good friends) sited right next to the cashier counter (i wonder if there should be a table at this point! trust lovely kikuyu's to make use of any space to capitalize on the profits), i don't know who had passed on but they both seemed like they were carrying the whole world on their shoulders. Being the Kenyan that I am, i wanted to know why they were wearing the long face not because i would offer any help but just to hear their story. Lady luck was on my side as an old man who was sitting behind them got up to leave throwing them the craziest look i have ever seen. I could have sworn that he was going to snap their little heads! I did not pay much attention to his look, but I wish I had. I almost broke my legs as i walked gracefully towards the old man, so as to have his seat before any other person thought of it. If I didn't give him the scare of his life then he must have been in the world war. As i gently eased myself on the seat i realized the couple had attracted most of the waiters' attention. One waiter walks over to me and asks what i was having, i took the Menu he was handing me and pretended to go through it. I knew i was having juice from the moment i walked through the door but it wouldn't kill to show the waiter that i too can be indecisive.'Niletee Mango juice tafathali' i said after what seemed like moments of careful deliberation. 'nime add 2kg from the last time nilijipima, do i look fat?' this statement almost threw me off the chair! it didn't end there 'jana Mike aliniambia ati kucha zangu hazikai fiti just coz sijaenda Mani for two weeks, aki look at the way they are' it took all the energy i had not to turn around and give this girl masquerading in a man's cloth a beating of a life time, she was giving the man, as we know him a bad name! I turned around to see the other girl with a stream of tears on her face! 'serves you right for hanging around such humans' i wanted to tell her but the sane voice in me told me to mind my own business. En the complains went on en on en..... I was ready to jump out from the 10th floor of KNH, by the time the waiter came back with my order.

I walk out of the joint head down and juice in my hand which i give to the little girl sited in the street with her mother. her mother goes on to thank me and shower me with blessings but the words which are now engraved in my genius mind make it difficult for me to say anything inspiration to the woman and i walk away in silence. As i board the matatu the whining of the man in the joint is so vivid that the greetings from the tout pass me by and i sit in the aura of my confusion. What happened to the 'flingstone man' who did not cry when he put on weight or used his teeth to cut his nails en put on decently. The one i didn't have to compete with in the salon, clothes store, beauticians, cosmetics, :( whateva happened to him? Now who will i obsess my weight gain,bad hair day en many other things to:( ooh well thank goodiness for my KingJulianDenzelDepp Character who i can always count on...

Sign
TheIceGal